perjantai 12. marraskuuta 2010

Runs in the family

Now, about my mental health, since everyone must be more than interested about the things, that happen in my head!

I have a curious illness, what is called "bi-polar", although I prefer "manic-depression". Manic-depression gives you a better picture of it all ;D

Basically this thing makes my life a fucking rollercoaster sometimes.

In my latest post, I told you, that I have been happy lately, really happy! In that happiness, there's one downfall. I usually come crashing down, and that can happen in one day, which -of course- makes me dance on the edge of the knife 24/7/365.
In one day or two weeks or a month or a year, I may be happy. Altho in my case I'm not just happy, I'm in hypo-mania. That is a lighter form of mania.
Naturally there is also the harmony-state, when I am not in hypo-mania or depression.
Usually, the longer I am in that state of mind I become happier and you guys can see it. I mean, that is what you are used to see. While being depressed I rarely go out, expect when I take my dog out, but that is something I have to do. So that we do not count as "going out".
Merely a handful of people have seen me while during depression. With that I mean, people who has seen the depression. Those people, who I have not faked happiness.

How does this, and a whole bunch of other mental disorders and such stuff effect on my personal life? In many ways.

Well, let's take my favourite ranting subject! Love that is.

I am -believe it, or not- capable of feeling love, and love other human-being. The difficult part is this: Telling it, expressing it, and also the fact; that I am emotionally damaged. All of these makes any-kind-of-expression-of-love very difficult. But not impossible!
I also have a constant fear, that people want to hurt me emotionally. That has happened.

For a funny off-route, I'll tell you about the latest things, what happened:
I was in love, seriously. I loved her, I really did.
I thought, that she felt that too. But no, no, no.
She just deceived me, lied to me, made my hopes high and made me come crashing down.
She told me beautiful things, things I've never heard.
About 5 times she was supposed to come here. She never did. I guess, she never even left? At least at those times I was not able to reach her thru phone.
I shed a sea-full of tears because of her. Apparently I was only a toy.
And all she ever did, was that she ripped my heart out of chest. Never saying sorry about that.
And now she is pondering, why on earth I'm angry to her? You know what? Fuck you.
I do not love her anymore, btw.

So, for already emotionally damaged that was quite a hit.
Although, I may have a slight crush, but not to that person. She could hit her head and die, for all I care...

What was I telling you about?
Yes, my irrational mind. Ahem.

That bi-polar afflicts on my life in many ways. I do the best art, when I'm depressed. While the harmony I am almost like a human, times of hypo-mania I swear I could learn how to fly.

The question what you may ask now is "Why on earth you nutcracker-case do not have a medication?"
In fact, I have had a few pills. The first ones were too light, apparently the doctor calculated my depression points wrongly, or I lied to him. Can't remember.
The second ones actually worked, but then happened this: after four months they began to loose the effect.
And for now, I am thinking of getting meds again. Because the depressions have been more severe and longer.

Just for you to know, I am not a cutter. Got this habit of wearing my scars inside, where no-one can see them.
Quoting a friend of mine: "You'll be able to see my light, but probably never my dark"

That's for now my doves!

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